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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 5, 2011 1:30pm-2:00pm PDT

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thank you. thank you. that sound of your chanting is so soothing it's like putting a seashell up to your ear into which you have stuffed your own ego. [laughter] nation, it's barack obama's 50th birthday. [cheering and applause] [laughter] that's right. it's that time of year again, folks, when the president tries to convince us he was born. [laughter] we're not buying it, obama. everybody knows that american presidents are born in february. that's why it's called president's day. i'm not the only one who is angry. so is sean hannity's voice. >> economic armageddon has been avoided, but the economy remains in tatters, so how does the president react? he throws himself a lavish birthday bash. >> stephen: damn straight. instead of going to a birthday
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party, he should have been working on the economy. now the recession is going to last four hours longer. [laughter] it is completely inappropriate for the president to turn a year older when the nation is in crisis. and it's not first time obama has pulled this stuntd. i have learned that barack obama has selfishly celebrated a birthday during every crisis for the last 50 years. [laughter] in august of 1964, two days after the gulf of tonkin incident, he had the nerve to tush three years old. might as well have sent a slice of cake to ho chi minh. folks, in bad times you put your country first and postpone your birthday. i do. that's why i'm still 28. [laughter] [cheering and applause] what is happening to me?
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what's happening? [laughter] help me. i have to moisturize. [laughter] but folks, sean hannity is no hypocrite here. >> i am going to be 50 years old this december. >> happy birthday. >> you could say that to the president. and let me tell you something, juan, i have told everyone of my friends and my wife, i want nothing on my birthday. >> stephen: sounds like somebody wants a surprise party. [laughter] and, sean, sean, i happen to know one sexy fox blonds anchor who will be happy to jump out of your cake. nation, can we talk about colbert super pac for a second? can we do that? [cheering and applause]
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of course, you know our motto. say it with me, "making a better tomorrow tomorrow." you really didn't say it with me. [laughter] and, folks, we'll get there some day because last week two young children, charlie and grace, asked me what colbert super pac stands for. folks, i was so proved that i immediately passed the buck on to you. i asked you to go to colbert super pac.com and tell me what we believe new york and already over 40,000 of you heros have responded, so it's going to take a few more days for my team of not eight-year-old malaysian child laborers to sort through your meaningful suggestions. suggestions like at barbara c taylor who says, "i stand for making the rich pay their fair share of taxes, protect interests of the rest of us who bear the tax burden and delete." [applause]
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or at heather mack who stands for smacking slow-walking pedestrians in the back of the head. some of us have things to do. [cheering and applause] yes. pow. thwack. yes. slow walkers are a menace. [laughter] some of us have things to do, like send tweets while crossing the street. so keep them coming, but remember, it's not just your ideas i want. i also want your cash. [laughter] so much that i put the names of the brave americans who donate on my crawl of heroes down here, an we've had some impressive ones lately, like lord sauron. [laughter and applause] no surprise there, considering my staunch opposition to
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elf-human marriage. if... it's adam and eve, not adam and arwen. of course, colbert's super pac is all about building bridges, that is why i was truly dwrat... gratified to see even after the things i've said about muslims, i received a contribution from arab-american viewer suq madiq. [cheering and applause] [laughter] i trust i'm pronouncing that correctly. you've made your parents proud. your father, liqu madiq, and your mother, who still goes by her maiden name, munchma
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quchi... [laughter and applause] [laughter] [applause] i'm going to warn our affiliates, we might be going long tonight. now the internet wags over on the reddits have suggested that these names are pranks intended to ruse me by giving me the business. well, i just want to say to these web imps. you got me by giving me your money. you totally hacked our system with your credit card, but i am
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on to your game, and i bet you couldn't do it to me again, although you've got to imagine how funny it would be to do it at the $100 level. of course, folks, people are always asking me how much money have you raised. well, i am happy to announce that i don't have to tell you. [laughter] for a long time at least, but trust me, it will be well spent. [cheering and applause] now... now, one place, one place a lot of the other pacs are spending money is on the wisconsin state senator recall election that was triggered over governor scott walker's anti-union campaign. estimates of total spending in wisconsin have reached $25 million. holy schlitz. and some of that cash comes from my pac pals at americans for prosperity, funded by billionaire industrialist charles and david koch.
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they're like the olsen twins of factory run-offs. americans for prosperity has even sent out these actual helpful absentee ballot applications to democratic districts. now, they had to rush these to print, so some people complained about inaccuracies, but it's minor stuff, like instead of instructing do you send your ballot to the local municipal clerk, where ballots are officially collected, the address on this is "absentee ballot application processing center," which, and this is interesting, does not exist. but i'm sure the koch brothers were going to hand deliver those ballots to the proper location once they've separated them from the mail sent to wisconsin family association and wisconsin right to life, the two other conservative groups to use that anonymous po box. because why else would they go to the trouble to give democratic voters helpful instructions like, "mail in your completed absentee ballot, which must be received by your city clerk before august 11th."
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here's a little rhyme to help you remember when it's due. on august 11th, make your selection. that's just two days after the actual election. okay. that sticks in the brain. nothing nefarious here. as americans for prosperity's state director explained, it was really just a typo. a typo. i accidentally put 11 when i mean 9 all the time because 1 and 9 are so close to each other on the keyboard. so who cares whether they typed 9 or 11. the point is americans for prosperity and i want wisconsinites to vote some time in august. but if you still don't trust them, don't send your ballots to the koch brothers. send it to santa at the north pole u.s.a. he'll get it to the right people. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] comedian (groans): ohhh hey buddy!
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comedian: mike, a little constructive criticism for ya. there's one thing i don't like about your commercials. mj: this is gonna be good. comedian: everybody always showin' you their underwear. it's not realistic. comedian: now me, i just got these. comfort flex waistband. doesn't pinch, doesn't bind. nothin' man, i can get so low in these. look at this! look at this movement. comedian: i'm like a ballerina in these things. i could take you, i bet, in these. i bet i could take you! vo: the new comfort flex waistband. won't pinch, won't bind. new from hanes.
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>> welcome back everybody. thank you very much. nation, i've said it before, but you know what, to me there is nothing better than taking the family out and tossing around the old pig skin. the squealing scares the kids, but it's a good warm-up for football. this is the sport report. [cheering and applause] [scatting] [laughter] folks, i love baseball. they have the most lavish skyboxes. well, this season two records of the grid diamond might have to fall that have stood for 100 years. both held by brooklyn catcher bill bergen, who played from
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1901 to 1911 when baseball was especially challenging because of the whalebone corsets. bergen is considered the worst hitter in baseball history. he holds the record for the lowest season batting average and the most consecutive at-bats without a hit. he's so bad he's been named an honorary chicago cub. but... [applause] but, folks, bergen's place in the history books is in jeopardy. his streak of 46 consecutive hitless at-bats could be broken tomorrow by the milwaukee brewers' craig counsell, who is for his last 45. his trouble may be linked to his new batting stance, which looks like this. now, up until a few years ago, he actually stood like this. [laughter] actual truth. which made him ineffective against curveballs but deadly against pinatas. meanwhile,, oh, he's going to get that candy.
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meanwhile, bergen's all-time low batting average of .139 is become challenges by adam dunn, who is currently batting .166. i haven't seen someone with that much trouble getting to first base since me. you will eventually see a girl naked. i promise you. just wait. now, what makes this an even greater achievement is that dunn is the white sox designated hitter. which is like making billy joel your designated driver. [laughter] now, there is one thing... there is one thing that bothers me about this thrill race to the bottom. i find it hard to believe that professional athletes could play baseball this badly. so i'm calling for dunn and counsul to be tested for
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performance-diminishing drugs. the human body just does not naturally suck this hard. we must protect our national pastime, because folks, there is nothing more american than baseball, except gambling on baseball. so i was especially happy to see the mlb get in on the gambling part with their ongoing beat the street contest, where fans choose a player each day that they think will get a hit. back in june, major league baseball offered me a special challenge. if i picked more winners in a row than they did, i win control of mlb's twitter feed for 24 hours. well, questions what, i won. [cheering and applause] nice. i... i... i outlasted the mlb with a monumental streak of two. that's right. the players i picked had hits two days in a row. jealous, craig counsell? [laughter] so starting at midnight tonight,
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i will be in control of mlb's twitter feed at mlb for 24 hours. here's a sample. okay. score update. seattle salamanders 7, albuquerque balloons ought. also it's toss your trash on the field day at all stadiums. [applause] again, thank you, major league baseball, and you're welcome. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] >> stephy
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much. welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a celebrity chef who hosts "no reservations" on the travel channel. if i don't like him, i'll send him back. please welcome anthony bourdain. [cheering and applause]
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mr. bourdain, thank you so much for coming on. now, as i said you're, a celebrity chef. people know you are. but for the uninitiated, you are a chef at large, you're an author, you're host of the travel channel's no reservations currently in its seventh season. this season you're going off the grid. that's what you're saying here. places like haiti and cuba. why not go places that have food? [laughter] >> um... >> stephen: they got rice and beans in cuba, right? >> true. you know, i got to admit, to some extent this last season we've been moving not to just what people are eating but what they're not eating. >> stephen: i got to ask you something. i don't understand food. okay. [laughter] i don't. i'm not a foodie, but i do understand anger. >> right. >> and one of the things i appreciate about your show is that... and your style, you have
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style, matthew bourdain, but you often seem angry at the food that is being given to you. >> yes. >> stephen: even if you like it, you might seem a little angry at the food. why the anger in relation the food? doesn't food bring us pleasure? >> it should. in a perfect world i should be happy all the time and it's all about love, but i ask myself this all the time. i should be... maybe it's that i cooked for 28 years. from a professional point of view, i can't bypass a chilis or an olive garden and not boil with rage. >> stephen: i'll tell you what makes me mad about olive garden, i appreciate it. i get that. what makes me mad, i go to the olive garden, they say, unlimited bread sticks, but if i back my car up and say fill the trunk, they say, "no way." it's a lie. not unlimited. there are limits. but why even leave america to get exotic fare? i can go to my local food mart
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and get a panda express and chipotle and taco bell and other things. [laughter] you know, i can travel the world in my jazzy. >> you know, people ask all the time, what's nose exotic or unusual or grotesque food you've ever eaten, and i still maintain it's pretty hard to beat for sheer grotesqueness and bizarreness a cinnabun. [laughter and applause] >> stephen: really? really? is it that they're larger than your face? >> that's one worrisome aspect. >> stephen: but isn't the fact that our portions are so large one of the reasons why americans have the best food? we certainly... we seem to eat the most food. we're a large people. >> that concerns me also. as a patriot, i'm concerned by the ballooning of america. >> stephen: now, you once ate
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something that i'd like to know a little bit more about. it's called orthalon. >> yeah, that's good. >> stephen: explain to people what that is and what it is. >> it's a tiny little bird. >> a nature bird. >> some say. >> stephen: some say. endangered. >> some say endangered. it's a tiny little bird that's captured, fattened, plucked. >> stephen: blinded? >> no, they don't blind it. they just give it a whiff of something and they keel over dead. they roast them. you pick them up. it's a ceremonial aspect. you put basically hood over your head, a shroud, and you stick it in your mouth and crunch down into the body, bones, guts and all. it's a hot rush of fat, gutsz, bones, blood and meat and it's really delicious. it's one of the greatest, most
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extraordinary dining experiences you can have. >> stephen: and i understand you wear the hood over your head to hide from god. >> more people should do this. >> stephen: anthony bourdain, thank you so much for joining us. anthony bourdain, "no reservations" airs monday night at 9:00 on the travel channel. we'll be right back. als need to perform under pressu-".
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that's it for "the report," everybody. quite. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgcaptioning
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terrific. [man laughs] i'd like to show you how smart he is. let's have some fun and play animal quiz with michael. come on, michael. [laughs] you see what a good trainer i am. oh, there he comes. [laughs] i got the wrong end. goats are distinguished by a narrow head, a bearded chin, in the male, a short upturned tail. it's been called the poor man's cow because it yields more milk for its size... jesus christ! god...! [laughs] it's all right. ostriches are pretty funny birds. they can't fly, but they like to dance. [laughs] and they don't really bury their heads in the sand, but they do eat stones and shirts.

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